I am gay.

That phrase took me 22 years to be able say. I have been hiding who I am out of fear of what my family, friends, coworkers, and employers would think. I am not hiding anymore.

I grew up going to church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. For my entire childhood I was told a woman loving another woman was “not allowed” or “wrong” according to what was taught in church and what my parents told me. I was told that marriage was between a man and a woman and that was the only option in the eyes of God.

In high school is when I first started realizing I was not really attracted to men. I had always been one of the guys and I loved being that. We hung out, played Ultimate, and talked about all their girl problems, and talked about which actress was the hottest at the moment. I was who all the other girls came to in order to get advice on how to date the guys I was hanging out with. While I dated one or two of them, it was never anything serious and we all stayed friends. It wasn’t until my senior year that I realized why none of those dating relationships, or any guys for that matter, felt right.

I knew I was attracted to women and I was terrified.

What would my mom and dad say? What would my siblings think? What would my friends think? I was a leader in my church youth group at a Southern Baptist church! I couldn’t be attracted to women! Did this mean God wasn’t going to love me anymore? So I stuffed it down and denied it.

Two secret relationships (with girls), three years, and a bout of depression later, I stopped. I stopped trying to change who I was.

I was gay and that wasn’t going to change.

The fear gripped me again. I didn’t know what to do. Up until then I had never come to terms with how this would change my life. “Coming out” had never crossed my mind. I knew there would be people who would turn their back’s on me. How could I handle that? So I stopped denying it, but I still kept it quiet.

It was not until I entered Celebrate Recovery for the major problem in my life, my addiction, that I decided if I was going to learn to be my authentic self, I had to do it in every facet of my life. I had to be brave and start telling people. So one-by-one I did.

I started with my best friends. They love me. I told my sponsor. She supports me. I start telling everyone else in my life. They accept me. Finally, I tell my mother. One of the hardest moments of my life.

We all have that one person we never want to disappoint. My mother is that person. I had already felt like my life had been a disappointment to her. I was not as good of a student as my brother or sister, I was the “rebellious” child in my teenage years, and I am a sex addict. Now I had to tell her I was gay, which in her eyes would be a hard pill to swallow and probably a disappointment. It took everything I am to utter the words, “I am gay, mom.”

When I finally did, I can’t say that she was happy. I can’t say that she wrapped her arms around me. I can’t even say she said anything positive in our first conversation. It was quite the opposite.

She asked how I could be gay and be a christian? She thought my being gay would damage my integrity and testimony. She thought that it was fine for me to have feelings for women, as long as I didn’t act on them. However, at the end, before I left the room she told me that she loved me. She said that no matter what, she would always love me.

While all of those other concerns are not great, and we may not agree on everything, I know one thing and to me that is what really matters. My mother loves me for who I am.

Not everyone in my life knows yet, but they will in time. The important thing is that I have the freedom to be who I am and I am not ashamed of it. I am gay and proud to be who I am. I look forward to finding the woman of my dreams and marrying her. I look forward to watching my kids run around in the front yard. I look forward to growing old with my love.

No one should ever have to be ashamed. Gay or straight, know that you are loved and accepted for who you are. Love who you want to love and be who you want to be. Never let anything or anyone stand in the way of your happiness.

Peace