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I Will Fight For Love

Love one another and you will be happy. It is as simple and as difficult as that.

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white knight syndrome

A fixer is what it is most often called. It’s not always a good thing. It’s not always necessary.

It is sometimes insulting and sometimes hurtful.

There is not always a damsel that needs saving. There is not always a problem that needs fixing.

Sometimes what is needed is space.

I don’t have to be able to save the day. I don’t have to be able to solve the problems that I see, because what I see is not always the problem.

Sometimes I can be the problem. Sometimes I can be selfish. Sometimes I can be blinded by the overwhelming desire to be the solution, that I make a problem worse instead of better. Sometimes instead of helping all I do is hurt.

That is last thing I want.

I want to show that I can be helpful, not hurtful.

A blessing, not a burden.

A listener, not a fixer.

A fighter, not a pusher.

A shoulder to cry on, not a hand that is forcing its way in.

A pair of arms to hold you, not to suffocate you.

I want to be these things.

I want to be what you need.

I want to be present.

I want you to know I care about it all;

the good and the bad.

That is it.

I don’t need to be the White Knight riding in for the rescue. You don’t need rescuing.

You are strong. You are independent. You are courageous. You are passionate. You are tenacious.

You are, in a word, inspiring.

 

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grab a bat…

It has been a rough two weeks.

You know that feeling when you have so much tension, anger, and just intensity built up inside that you have to get it out? The way I handle this is by going to the batting cage. That is my happy place.

You stand there in anticipation of the ball coming and when it shoots out straight at you the tension builds up even more for a second and then the metal bat hits that ball and it is like that tension flies with it. The anger and anxiety flies toward the back net and it is the ultimate relief. This may sound crazy, but its the way I deal with it, and it’s where I have been for many days the past few weeks.

I haven’t written because I didn’t know what to write. My thoughts wouldn’t form in ways that would make sense. Now I am sitting on a plane headed for a family wedding and am forced to turn off the world, sit, and reflect.

The past two weeks have come with hurts, confusion, and anger.

Hurts from those who I thought would not judge no matter what I told them.

Confusion about who I am and who I want to be outside of my addiction.

Anger…

Anger…

At God mostly. I think at one point or another in our lives we ask the question, “Why Me?”. I ask this because I have trouble understanding why certain things in my life play out the way they do.

Why did I turn out the way I did?

Why is there no one in my life who truly understands?

Why is this my struggle?

Why am I the one who became the addict?

I struggle with what the plan is. If I have this great future that is limitless, like friends and family tell me, why do I have things that I think are going to hold me back?

I struggle with seeing the light sometimes. I have people in my life who are constantly encouraging me and saying they “see something in me”. They tell me I have the potential to change things and to make a difference. I don’t say this to elevate myself because honestly when they say those things I am thinking:

Why can’t I see that?

Why can’t I see what is ahead and what I have to offer?

Who is going to listen to a 23 year old addict?

So with these thoughts and not seeing the future comes the anger. Anger and self-doubt, because I don’t see how my story is going to make a difference. I don’t see how I can do any good when I am this broken…

But that’s it. I’m broken. Everyone is broken. With my brokenness there is a story. Someone else in this world is living with the pain, confusion, and depression that I was and have been living through for the past five years. The difference is that I have found some semblance of hope. I have found that I am worth something. I may be broken, but there is no such thing as a person who is not.

This is why we have community. This is why I have those people in my life who encourage me in everything I do, even on my darkest days. I turn to them in times of need and just let my feeling come out instead of bottling them up or acting out in my addiction like I used to. That’s what I have to do. I have had to find healthy ways to get my feelings out. I have to talk to people, whether that be my sponsor, my support group,  my best friend, my therapist, or even my mom sometimes. I have to have an outlet because regardless of if you are just starting or if you have been clean for 10 years, we all still struggle. We all still get anxious and angry.

So next time you do, grab a helmet and join me. Grab a set of clubs and go to the driving range. Grab some gloves and take it out on a punching bag. But also pick up your phone and tell someone how you are really feeling. Don’t bear the burden alone, we were created to help one another and love one another.

You are made for great things just like I am.

Believe it.

 

 

Peace

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what if…?

We are often told, “It’s not what is on the outside that counts, but what’s on the inside”.

This is 100% true. Do NOT get me wrong.

A phrase I try to live by is, “What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.”

But what do you do when you don’t know how they will react when you do divulge what you have on the inside. What do you do when they don’t like what is on the inside?

You think:

What if they won’t accept me?

What if they won’t like what I have to say?

What if they don’t understand?

What if they turn away from me?

What if…

These are the thoughts that go through my head. These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. These are the thoughts that make me think I will never be accepted.

The truthful answers to most of these questions, at least in my life, are not great.

As a Christian and growing up in a very traditional Southern Baptist environment, there are preconceived notions about how people should act. Sexual immorality is at the top of the no-no list, which puts me at the top of the no-no list. Now everyone has their fair share of mistakes too, but this sexual sin is one of those that is not handled well.

It makes me feel like Hester Prynne in The Scarlet Letter. Like I have a big red A on my shirt when I’m walking around.

There are still many people in my life who do not know I am an addict. I went through a time recently where I was terrified of what people would think of me when they found out.

The simple truth is that they won’t understand. I have to be okay with that.

I have to be okay with being me in all my glorious mistakes.

I have to be okay with what they may not like about me and love them with all my heart despite that.

More importantly I have to love myself.

The problem with all of those questions up there is that they say “What if they…?”. When it comes to recovery and finding who I am, I have to be selfish in order to work on myself. I have to love me. I have to understand me. I have to accept me.

Just because someone around you right now may not accept you, that does not mean you are worthless. You and I are going to touch so many lives through the struggles we have gone through and we will use our brokenness to help other through theirs.

 

 

Peace

What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.

Brené Brown

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