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I Will Fight For Love

Love one another and you will be happy. It is as simple and as difficult as that.

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1

I didn’t love who I saw in the mirror, I didn’t know who she was or how she had gotten to this point.

She was a stranger; and yet she was me.

But now, instead of looking in the mirror and seeing failure and not recognizing who I am, I see hope and value who I am.

365 days ago I started putting tick marks on my mirror to mark my days of sobriety.

Today I celebrate one year of sobriety.

I celebrate one year of growth.

I celebrate the relationships I have formed and the community I have been blessed with.

I celebrate each one of you who has walked this journey with me, inside and outside of the program.

I celebrate the freedom I have been given through my renewed relationship with God and myself.

I am still a work in progress, but there is one thing I know for sure:

I was created for a purpose.

The vast majority of the purpose is to love and be loved by those around me.

To value people.

To show them they are important.

To show them they have a story that is meant to be lived out, not to be given up on.

To love my family.

To love my friends.

To love strangers I meet in the Starbucks line.

To simply be myself and to love who I am the way I was created.

 

Peace

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white knight syndrome

A fixer is what it is most often called. It’s not always a good thing. It’s not always necessary.

It is sometimes insulting and sometimes hurtful.

There is not always a damsel that needs saving. There is not always a problem that needs fixing.

Sometimes what is needed is space.

I don’t have to be able to save the day. I don’t have to be able to solve the problems that I see, because what I see is not always the problem.

Sometimes I can be the problem. Sometimes I can be selfish. Sometimes I can be blinded by the overwhelming desire to be the solution, that I make a problem worse instead of better. Sometimes instead of helping all I do is hurt.

That is last thing I want.

I want to show that I can be helpful, not hurtful.

A blessing, not a burden.

A listener, not a fixer.

A fighter, not a pusher.

A shoulder to cry on, not a hand that is forcing its way in.

A pair of arms to hold you, not to suffocate you.

I want to be these things.

I want to be what you need.

I want to be present.

I want you to know I care about it all;

the good and the bad.

That is it.

I don’t need to be the White Knight riding in for the rescue. You don’t need rescuing.

You are strong. You are independent. You are courageous. You are passionate. You are tenacious.

You are, in a word, inspiring.

 

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trust

Pain, hurt, broken hearts, betrayal, sadness.

All of these come when it’s broken.

Honesty, friendship, loyalty, respect, love.

All of these come when it’s earned.

It’s a simple concept.

Yet, it’s a hard execution.

It’s the best gift.

Yet, it’s the hardest to give.

Its reward is priceless.

Yet, we withhold it out of fear.

It’s the epitome of self exposure and it hurts like hell.

But without it we would likely be alone.

Without it we would have no community.

Without it we would not grow.

It may be hard and it may backfire sometimes, but it’s what we need to connect.

Trust.

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the best

You were my person.

We were stupid teenagers together and how we worked as friends I’ll never know.

You were the genius, I was a struggle.

You built me up when I thought I couldn’t do anything.

You pushed me to my limits, academically and personally.

You were my closest friend and confidant.

Weeks, months, and years went by.

A happy birthday here and there.

A small convo in the gaps of time.

Yet I woke up this morning, after four year of silence, with the strongest urge to talk to you.

I wanted to tell you all my hurts and failures, but also my strides and successes.

Why today? I don’t have an answer.

So I picked up the phone. I wanted to hear all about the life you have been living and how none of the things we wanted when we were young panned out, but instead we have bigger and better (more realistic) dreams for ourselves.

You’re married now!

I’m not (even close).

You’re in Colorado.

I’m still kickin’ it in the South.

You’ve got a big fancy job.

I get to work with kids I love everyday.

Our lives are so different, but at the same time it’s as though nothing has changed.

I can still picture you playing that annoying flute in the hallway, me begging you to stop and you promptly ignoring me.

You sat with me on the front pew of my church during the hardest time of my teenage years. You asked for help when I almost took it too far and you probably saved my life.

We had our fights, like all teenage girls, but when it came down to it, you always had my back and I had yours.

You were the hardest person to say goodbye to when I drove toward Georgia.

You have always been and will always be someone I call my friend. The best friend.

 

 

 

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help and hope

On March 28, 2015 I went to my first meeting. I knew I had a problem, but I had no idea what to do about it. Acting on the advice of my counselor I walked into my first Celebrate Recovery meeting at a local church. I was welcomed by the sweetest people and felt the warmth in the atmosphere with my first step through the door. That night I signed up to start the 12-Step program. With that choice, my road to recovery began.

A few months into my recovery I had gone through withdraw, a bout of depression, and a relapse. I still stuck with the program. The following May a book came out. It was called If You Feel Too Much by Jamie Tworkowski.

To Write Love on Her Arms was something I had heard about in when I got to college. It was all the rage when they made their tour through the nation called “Heavy and Light”. My friend had introduced me to it and I liked what they had to say. I was going through a depressing time and I liked the idea of there being hope at the end of my tunnel.

When I saw If You Feel Too Much on the shelves of Barnes and Nobel Jamie’s name looked familiar, but I couldn’t remember why. As soon as I opened up the book I knew why. He is the founder of To Write Love. I picked up the book, bought it, and read the whole thing in one night.

He understood the hardship of dealing with depression. He knew how hard it was to confront a parent you had resented. He knew what it was like to go through an excruciating heartbreak. He understood why Valentines Day sucks sometimes. Through all of my recovery I had not picked up a book I could relate to more. He knew what it was like to feel too much.

The next day I woke up and spent the entire day on the To Write Love on Her Arms website. I ordered t-shirts. I read blogs. I tried to figure out how I could be a part of this movement.

I knew I wasn’t alone in my recovery and in my struggles, but the stories I saw and the poetry I read put faces to the struggle. I related to them. I felt their pain, and I was encouraged by their hope.

To say this movement helped me would not even come close to doing it justice. I don’t have the words to thank them enough. I have found a community where I feel my most true self. I may have never met them face-to-face, but we have a common link. We understand that we are broken. We understand we need help. Most importantly we use our brokenness to help others.

That is why I am supporting this movement.This is why I champion this movement. I ask that you check them out. I ask that you help me, help others.

April 16, 2015 is the day I will be exactly 11 months sober.  It also happens to be the day I am running in their annual 5K and I need your help! Any donation is helping others find the hope and help we all need. All you have to do is follow the link posted below! If you can’t donate, help spread the word!

With all of the brokenness in the world, we all need a little hope. Hope is real in this movement. I found it when I thought there was none. Help someone else find it too.

Peace

To Learn more about TWLOHA: https://twloha.com/learn/

Fundraising Page: https://www.classy.org/fundraise?fcid=623830

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questions

Recently I was (once again) asked the question,

“How do you do it? How are you gay and a christian when there are so many out there that say you are going to hell because of the way you live your life?”

As I have said before, I grew up in the church. I spent every Sunday morning sitting with my friends, falling in love with the music and with Jesus. Every Sunday night I was in the children’s choir. I spent Wednesday nights in Awana learning Bible verses and getting patches for growing in my relationship with God. I walked down the aisle at the age of 7 and asked Jesus into my heart. I entered the youth group and went on every retreat possible, sometimes four or five a year.

In my teenage years I questioned it all and sought the answers to the meaning of life and how I could have feelings for women when all I had ever been taught was “homosexuality is a sin”. This is where I started to really evaluate my relationship with Christ.

I analyzed why I loved Him, why I behaved the way I did, and what core values I had in my life. I came up with one simple answer:

Love.

It all comes down to love in my eyes. I love Jesus and I try to love those around me. Regardless of where I have been in my life emotionally I know and whole heartedly believe in Love. I believe that we are supposed to love everyone. Through that I believe I show people I genuinely care and that is showing them Christ, because that is what He did. He didn’t come to Earth and just hang out with the “holy” people. He ate with the lepers, the tax collectors, the prostitutes, and everyone who was considered unclean. That is who I strive to be like. I want to be a person who loves those people and shows them they are worthy of being loved and tell them they matter.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciple, if you have love for one another.”

John 13:34-35

So in my eyes whether or not who I chose to spend the rest of my life with is a sin or not is not what I focus on. I focus on loving that person. I focus on showing the love of Christ in my life. I know that when I die I have Christ in my heart and will spend eternity with Him in heaven. I focus on behaving in a way that is encouraging to those around me, not in a way that will tear them down. I focus on the fact that I am precious in the eyes of God.

Now this is not the way all christians feel and that is where we get this question. Some do believe that the way I live my life is abhorrent and wrong. That is their right and I do not hold any ill will against them. There are people in my family that feel this way, but I love them no less. Does it make life hard sometimes? Yes, but life isn’t easy, I have many testaments to that outside of being gay. We roll with the lives we have been given. There is a reason for everything and in everything we do there is purpose.

“There is nothing I can do that would make God love me more, and nothing I have done that makes God love me less.”

J.D. Greear

Peace

2

out

I am gay.

That phrase took me 22 years to be able say. I have been hiding who I am out of fear of what my family, friends, coworkers, and employers would think. I am not hiding anymore.

I grew up going to church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. For my entire childhood I was told a woman loving another woman was “not allowed” or “wrong” according to what was taught in church and what my parents told me. I was told that marriage was between a man and a woman and that was the only option in the eyes of God.

In high school is when I first started realizing I was not really attracted to men. I had always been one of the guys and I loved being that. We hung out, played Ultimate, and talked about all their girl problems, and talked about which actress was the hottest at the moment. I was who all the other girls came to in order to get advice on how to date the guys I was hanging out with. While I dated one or two of them, it was never anything serious and we all stayed friends. It wasn’t until my senior year that I realized why none of those dating relationships, or any guys for that matter, felt right.

I knew I was attracted to women and I was terrified.

What would my mom and dad say? What would my siblings think? What would my friends think? I was a leader in my church youth group at a Southern Baptist church! I couldn’t be attracted to women! Did this mean God wasn’t going to love me anymore? So I stuffed it down and denied it.

Two secret relationships (with girls), three years, and a bout of depression later, I stopped. I stopped trying to change who I was.

I was gay and that wasn’t going to change.

The fear gripped me again. I didn’t know what to do. Up until then I had never come to terms with how this would change my life. “Coming out” had never crossed my mind. I knew there would be people who would turn their back’s on me. How could I handle that? So I stopped denying it, but I still kept it quiet.

It was not until I entered Celebrate Recovery for the major problem in my life, my addiction, that I decided if I was going to learn to be my authentic self, I had to do it in every facet of my life. I had to be brave and start telling people. So one-by-one I did.

I started with my best friends. They love me. I told my sponsor. She supports me. I start telling everyone else in my life. They accept me. Finally, I tell my mother. One of the hardest moments of my life.

We all have that one person we never want to disappoint. My mother is that person. I had already felt like my life had been a disappointment to her. I was not as good of a student as my brother or sister, I was the “rebellious” child in my teenage years, and I am a sex addict. Now I had to tell her I was gay, which in her eyes would be a hard pill to swallow and probably a disappointment. It took everything I am to utter the words, “I am gay, mom.”

When I finally did, I can’t say that she was happy. I can’t say that she wrapped her arms around me. I can’t even say she said anything positive in our first conversation. It was quite the opposite.

She asked how I could be gay and be a christian? She thought my being gay would damage my integrity and testimony. She thought that it was fine for me to have feelings for women, as long as I didn’t act on them. However, at the end, before I left the room she told me that she loved me. She said that no matter what, she would always love me.

While all of those other concerns are not great, and we may not agree on everything, I know one thing and to me that is what really matters. My mother loves me for who I am.

Not everyone in my life knows yet, but they will in time. The important thing is that I have the freedom to be who I am and I am not ashamed of it. I am gay and proud to be who I am. I look forward to finding the woman of my dreams and marrying her. I look forward to watching my kids run around in the front yard. I look forward to growing old with my love.

No one should ever have to be ashamed. Gay or straight, know that you are loved and accepted for who you are. Love who you want to love and be who you want to be. Never let anything or anyone stand in the way of your happiness.

Peace

4

when i…

When I told you I loved you I was not picking out rings.

When I told you I loved you I was not looking for an invitation to become domestic.

When I told you I loved you I was not expecting you to say it back.

 

When I told you I loved you I wanted you to know that you were special.

When I told you I loved you I wanted you to see that you are worthy of being loved.

When I told you I loved you I saw a smile crease the corners of your mouth.

When I told you I loved you I wanted you to know that I cared for you.

When I told you I loved you I wanted you to know I was there for you.

When I told you I loved you I wanted you to know that there was nothing I wouldn’t do for you within my power.

When I told you I loved you I wanted you to feel safe in my arms.

 

When I told you I loved you I never thought I would loose you.

When I told you I loved you I never thought I would be saying it for the last time.

When I told you I loved you I never imagined you driving away.

 

When I told you I loved you, I meant it.

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love

Yesterday I go my first tattoo and I could not be more stoked.

After long deliberation and having friends write it different ways for me, I picked the writting I liked the most and just bit the bullet.

Some people may say that getting “Love” tattooed on your arm is cliché or so “basic”. Well here is why I chose to write love on my arm.

Love is more than an emotion. It is more than telling someone you love them before leaving or hanging up the phone.

Love is and action and a choice.

Love is the foundation of everything that I believe in.

I have lived the majority of my 23 years believing that I was not worthy of love and that I had no love to offer. I could only offer a sarcastic comment in order to cover up my insecurities. I grew up not understanding what it really meant to love. My father always provided for the family financially and otherwise, but was emotionally distant. My mom tried to over-compensate by being a people pleaser and make us all happy, but that isn’t the definition of love either.

With this upbringing it was very easy to develop a hardened heart, and that is exactly what happened.  Through my teenage years I rebelled like most kids and stopped talking to my parents and just gave the cool kid head nod saying “What’s up” when I walked through the door on my way to my room. With that rebellion also came a bout of depression that led to thoughts of suicide and ultimately a sex addiction. I came out of that depression by the grace of God and those around me and am still working on the addiction part, but taking it one day at a time in my recovery.

For the first time in my life, at the age of 18 I realized what it was to be loved.

I had a friend I thought I was going to loose. I thought, like so many time before, I had messed up beyond repair, and they would just walk out on me. But she didn’t.

It clicked. People had been loving me all along, I just didn’t see it because I was too busy trying to shut them out. Once I started letting people into my story, my whole world changed. I started being honest with myself and a handful of people around me. Slowly but surely I started letting people into my life. I let them love me and show me they loved me and I did my best to do so in return.

Over the past five years I have made it my mission to show love in any possible way to those around me. Simply because if there is one thing I have learned it is this:

I was created for a purpose. The vast majority of that purpose is to love and be loved by those around me.

To value people.

To show them they are important.

To show them they have a story that is meant to be lived out.

To live my life authentically so that I can be living proof to others that it does get better.

To love my family.

To love my friends.

To love strangers I meet in the Starbucks line.

To simply be myself and love who I am.

Don’t get me wrong, I have stumbled a lot along the way. I am still stumbling today. I am a much healthier me though. I am recovering day by day. The biggest change in me is that I choose to live with love in my heart and in my actions. I still throw in the occasional sarcastic comment here and there, but it’s not all I do now. I choose to live love and speak love.

This is why love is written on my arm.

Side Note: I grew up in Germany and hold that beautiful place near to my heart, which is why the language I chose is German.

Peace

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