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I Will Fight For Love

Love one another and you will be happy. It is as simple and as difficult as that.

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life

everything (pt.2)

clean

but it’s never that easy

my body craves what it misses

constantly tense

constantly gripped with fear

fear of slipping

fear of not being strong enough

fear of no control

everyday is a battle

i long for the night when i lay down my head and my brain can stop

stop thinking of temptation

stop thinking of the past

stop my imagination from creating things i know won’t last

but then there are moments

these simple moments

this tiny glimpse of truth

brief

but that’s all i need

the truth

the truth that set me free

one cross that’s all it took

one Man who took it all

one love that stands tall

for the broken

for the oppressed

for the eighty year old

and for the child who is fatherless

He stopped the lies that say

i’m not good enough

i can do this on my own

i don’t need God

i can fight this alone

but the shame consumes me still

until

i remember His last breath

“It Is Finished”

and with that He paid my debt

so how can i believe the lies

that i’m not good enough

that i have to be afraid to live

i wasn’t created to fear life

but to embrace the hope

that one day i might

tear down the walls and choose to fight

fight with the Man who arrested my death

to bring the hope to those who are just like me

the scarred, the weary, the broken and ashamed

to bring the good news

that Jesus changed…

Everything.

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everything (pt. 1)

darkness surrounds me

i’m in a hole

i can’t see the light, i can’t feel the warmth

there’s nothing but shadows consuming my thoughts

when can i get it next?

when will it be enough?

i look down, barely able to see my hands shaking

will it ever be enough?

i sit. my body aches. my mind is blank.

when did it get this bad?

when did i get this bad?

i sit. my heart races. my mind runs from thoughts i have not faced.

how did i get here?

how could i be so selfish?

look at me now:

no family

no friends

no life

nothing but shadows that lurk, waiting for me to try and fight

those are my only friends

those are my only thoughts

that is what consumes me

i look up and cry out in a kind of fury that only shadows can light

why me?

why now?

where did you go?

why did you leave me alone?

i’m shaking

cold

empty

and angry

so angry

fire runs through my body and i jump up

arms out wide, i scream

my veins raised, my blood boiling in rage

my throat tightens as the last bit of breath leaves me

i collapse

in tears

tears that have been there for years but have never reached the surface

i’m done

done fighting

done trying to be what i’m not

done lying

done waiting to get caught.

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grab a bat…

It has been a rough two weeks.

You know that feeling when you have so much tension, anger, and just intensity built up inside that you have to get it out? The way I handle this is by going to the batting cage. That is my happy place.

You stand there in anticipation of the ball coming and when it shoots out straight at you the tension builds up even more for a second and then the metal bat hits that ball and it is like that tension flies with it. The anger and anxiety flies toward the back net and it is the ultimate relief. This may sound crazy, but its the way I deal with it, and it’s where I have been for many days the past few weeks.

I haven’t written because I didn’t know what to write. My thoughts wouldn’t form in ways that would make sense. Now I am sitting on a plane headed for a family wedding and am forced to turn off the world, sit, and reflect.

The past two weeks have come with hurts, confusion, and anger.

Hurts from those who I thought would not judge no matter what I told them.

Confusion about who I am and who I want to be outside of my addiction.

Anger…

Anger…

At God mostly. I think at one point or another in our lives we ask the question, “Why Me?”. I ask this because I have trouble understanding why certain things in my life play out the way they do.

Why did I turn out the way I did?

Why is there no one in my life who truly understands?

Why is this my struggle?

Why am I the one who became the addict?

I struggle with what the plan is. If I have this great future that is limitless, like friends and family tell me, why do I have things that I think are going to hold me back?

I struggle with seeing the light sometimes. I have people in my life who are constantly encouraging me and saying they “see something in me”. They tell me I have the potential to change things and to make a difference. I don’t say this to elevate myself because honestly when they say those things I am thinking:

Why can’t I see that?

Why can’t I see what is ahead and what I have to offer?

Who is going to listen to a 23 year old addict?

So with these thoughts and not seeing the future comes the anger. Anger and self-doubt, because I don’t see how my story is going to make a difference. I don’t see how I can do any good when I am this broken…

But that’s it. I’m broken. Everyone is broken. With my brokenness there is a story. Someone else in this world is living with the pain, confusion, and depression that I was and have been living through for the past five years. The difference is that I have found some semblance of hope. I have found that I am worth something. I may be broken, but there is no such thing as a person who is not.

This is why we have community. This is why I have those people in my life who encourage me in everything I do, even on my darkest days. I turn to them in times of need and just let my feeling come out instead of bottling them up or acting out in my addiction like I used to. That’s what I have to do. I have had to find healthy ways to get my feelings out. I have to talk to people, whether that be my sponsor, my support group,  my best friend, my therapist, or even my mom sometimes. I have to have an outlet because regardless of if you are just starting or if you have been clean for 10 years, we all still struggle. We all still get anxious and angry.

So next time you do, grab a helmet and join me. Grab a set of clubs and go to the driving range. Grab some gloves and take it out on a punching bag. But also pick up your phone and tell someone how you are really feeling. Don’t bear the burden alone, we were created to help one another and love one another.

You are made for great things just like I am.

Believe it.

 

 

Peace

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what if…?

We are often told, “It’s not what is on the outside that counts, but what’s on the inside”.

This is 100% true. Do NOT get me wrong.

A phrase I try to live by is, “What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.”

But what do you do when you don’t know how they will react when you do divulge what you have on the inside. What do you do when they don’t like what is on the inside?

You think:

What if they won’t accept me?

What if they won’t like what I have to say?

What if they don’t understand?

What if they turn away from me?

What if…

These are the thoughts that go through my head. These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. These are the thoughts that make me think I will never be accepted.

The truthful answers to most of these questions, at least in my life, are not great.

As a Christian and growing up in a very traditional Southern Baptist environment, there are preconceived notions about how people should act. Sexual immorality is at the top of the no-no list, which puts me at the top of the no-no list. Now everyone has their fair share of mistakes too, but this sexual sin is one of those that is not handled well.

It makes me feel like Hester Prynne in The Scarlet Letter. Like I have a big red A on my shirt when I’m walking around.

There are still many people in my life who do not know I am an addict. I went through a time recently where I was terrified of what people would think of me when they found out.

The simple truth is that they won’t understand. I have to be okay with that.

I have to be okay with being me in all my glorious mistakes.

I have to be okay with what they may not like about me and love them with all my heart despite that.

More importantly I have to love myself.

The problem with all of those questions up there is that they say “What if they…?”. When it comes to recovery and finding who I am, I have to be selfish in order to work on myself. I have to love me. I have to understand me. I have to accept me.

Just because someone around you right now may not accept you, that does not mean you are worthless. You and I are going to touch so many lives through the struggles we have gone through and we will use our brokenness to help other through theirs.

 

 

Peace

What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.

Brené Brown

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live

Recently, in the the last year or so, I have become a person who likes to do things. Now I am not talking just about social things with friends or plans for the weekend. I am talking about impulsive things that I never in my life thought I would be doing.

When I was growing up I was not necessarily a sheltered child. I grew up with a military dad, an older brother, and a mom who went along with everything. With all the testosterone in the house it was natural that I grew up to be a tomboy. With that I had many guy friends who I would play all kinds of sports with, and do all the crazy stuff boys do when they were young (I just happened to be the girl doing all of that with them). I was a rambunctious child who like to get dirty, have fun, and stay out ’till the sun went down. We were free kids who just loved having fun.

Somewhere in my years as a middle/high schooler I lost that childlike freedom, like most of us do. I gained and lost many relationships that I thought were important, and of course the world ended when one of them did. The point is, I started living in my comfort zone. This continued until I was in college because it was a state of being that I had grown accustomed to, even riding roller coasters was completely out of the question.

About a two years ago everything changed. A relationship that lasted way longer than it should have, ended. I was devastated. I had to do some serious soul searching because I had put my identity in this other person. Well finally one year later I began to find myself again. I found that person I had let go of so long ago. I had recovered that childlike sense of the world. The world was without boundaries and without anything or anyone in my way. The only difference being, I am older and I know how to be responsible and behave properly when I need to…most of the time. I have found there is no point to put off the things that are on my bucket list (which I recommend you make if you haven’t already, I keep mine in my wallet). There is way too much out there to see and experience, and I would like to get my hands on as much of it as I can!

I want to live like there is no tomorrow and never regret anything I do, because it all has a purpose.

I want to tear down the walls and I want to live my life and make it something actually worth living.

In the past year I have gone skydiving, ridden more roller coasters than I can count, and so many other things that I will never regret.

I am choosing to live.

I hope you can find that childlike sense of the world again. Go back to that feeling of wanting to do anything and everything. Try new things, travel, go skydiving, ride the highest roller coaster you can find! No more “what if…” moments, they are too many as is.

You have been given this precious gift of life. Live it and you’ll never regret that you did!

Peace

1

what’s the matter?

We are all human.

We all need the connection.

When it happens, nothing else matters.

When it happens, no one else matters.

What is the problem?

Preconceived notions.

People.

Who judge.

Who laugh.

Who look away in disgust.

Who don’t know.

Ignorance is the problem.

How can you judge if you don’t know what’s going on?

How can you laugh if there’s nothing funny?

How can you look away without seeing the real beauty?

How can you know if you don’t take the time to try and understand?

It’s not what is wrong with me.

It’s what you think of me.

And what you think of me…

Doesn’t Make Me.

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identity

For years I hated Sushi. There was just something about putting raw fish in my mouth that was disgusting and in no way appetizing. My brother tried for so long to just get me to try it, just a California roll, it gets no more basic than that. I just wouldn’t budge. So I went off to college. Now we all know that in college you try new things (some good and some bad). Well I met a friend and she loved Sushi. She asked me to try it, so and I did. Turns out… I love Sushi.

I went home for fall break and my brother wanted to go get Sushi and I said I would tag along. He was excited, thinking I was finally going to try it. Little did he know I had become a aficionado. When I told him, he lost it. All of these years and it took one random girl I had just met to get me to try Sushi. Needless to say, I still have not lived this down.

Now this may be a random example, but you know that you have had a moment like this. Your friends and family have told you that you need to fix or change something about your life, but you don’t listen. Then you hear it from someone else, someone new, someone who surely knows what they are talking about, and you do without question.

I had this happen to me recently.

As an addict you lose who you are in your addiction. You lose who you were made to be. You lose so much more than control. You lose yourself.

Because of that, a majority of the recovery process is figuring out who you are, getting reacquainted with yourself. So I just started brainstorming, “Who do I want to be?”:

“Okay, this is my one chance to reinvent myself. This is my turn to choose who I want to be, not who my parents want me to be, not who my friends expect me to be, not who society thinks I should look like. I am free, for the first time, really free.”

Well the first thing I thought was that I should find my identity in Christ. That is so much easier said than done though. I had this thought that I could not be this really down to earth person and still be this “Awesome Christian”.

I was so far from wrong it wasn’t even funny. I had this idea that I had to be an extreme. A miserable sinner with no hope or the person who thinks they are above everyone else and better than the world just because they are a Christian.

I was reading a book called “If You Feel Too Much” by Jamie Tworkowski, the founder of To Write Love on Her Arms. Here is this person that is so down to earth and yet loves God, and you can see it in his writing. You see that he is happy with who he is and that person is a follower of Christ and a surfer who swears every once in a while. I am not writing this too praise him, simply to give the example that you can live your life authentically and be accepted for who you are. People who are real make the biggest difference.

Now I have had people telling me this for as long as I have been in recovery… My Sponsor, accountability partners, friends, but of course it didn’t set in. I don’t know what it is about hearing it from a stranger, but it really resinated with me this time.

This is something I am still figuring out. This “how to be free” thing. I don’t know, and have never really known what that feels like. I like the possibility though. I like the freedom to choose who I want to be, to choose what I want to be, and to follow my true passion without any inhibitions.

I am free. I just have to choose to love myself enough to do what truly makes me happy.

 

Peace

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you. are. worth. it.

You know I have heard some pretty ridiculous things in my lifetime, but none more ridiculous than what I read a family member of mine write to a friend. It simply read, “I am not worth it.”

Well let me tell you that I am sure many people have thought this before.  We all go through those times in our lives where nothing is going to terribly right and we feel like it would be easier to just lay in bed all day.

I know that I went through a period of about three years where I thought this. I was depressed, I didn’t really talk to anyone, and those who I was around I pushed away. I didn’t even talk to my parents for about 6 months.

Side note: The amount of love I have for them loving me during this time can’t be described. They put up with a very moody teenager and I think I personally would have given up if I had a kid like me, but they love me despite my imperfections. I cannot thank them enough.

Everything you do in this life has a purpose. There are times when you mess up, but guess what? That’s okay. Those screw up’s have a purpose. They make us who we are. I would not be the person I am if not for the massive screw ups in my life, and I would not trade those for the world because now I love who I am and who I am created to be.

“Everything happens for a reason” is something people tend to say that all the time to make people going through tough times feel better. Is it the best consolation at the moment of whatever you are going through? Probably not. BUT is it true? Yes.

There is a plan for your life. If there was not a plan or a purpose for your life, trust me, you wouldn’t be here. There are 7,252,865,234 (give or take) lives on this Earth. Every single one of them have a purpose. You were created for a reason. There isn’t anyone or anything that can take the place of you. God created you for a purpose. He doesn’t make mistakes.

You have been given an opportunity to live a life that can make a difference. There are people in this world that would not be the same without you. To make a difference all you have to do is touch one life. It’s as simple as that.

You are worth every little detail that was put into you.

You are worth the friends you have.

You are worth the lives you touch.

You are worth the family you have.

You are worth the life you have been given.

You are worthy of being loved.

You ARE Worth It.

 

Peace

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