coming out

help and hope

On March 28, 2015 I went to my first meeting. I knew I had a problem, but I had no idea what to do about it. Acting on the advice of my counselor I walked into my first Celebrate Recovery meeting at a local church. I was welcomed by the sweetest people and felt the warmth in the atmosphere with my first step through the door. That night I signed up to start the 12-Step program. With that choice, my road to recovery began.

A few months into my recovery I had gone through withdraw, a bout of depression, and a relapse. I still stuck with the program. The following May a book came out. It was called If You Feel Too Much by Jamie Tworkowski.

To Write Love on Her Arms was something I had heard about in when I got to college. It was all the rage when they made their tour through the nation called “Heavy and Light”. My friend had introduced me to it and I liked what they had to say. I was going through a depressing time and I liked the idea of there being hope at the end of my tunnel.

When I saw If You Feel Too Much on the shelves of Barnes and Nobel Jamie’s name looked familiar, but I couldn’t remember why. As soon as I opened up the book I knew why. He is the founder of To Write Love. I picked up the book, bought it, and read the whole thing in one night.

He understood the hardship of dealing with depression. He knew how hard it was to confront a parent you had resented. He knew what it was like to go through an excruciating heartbreak. He understood why Valentines Day sucks sometimes. Through all of my recovery I had not picked up a book I could relate to more. He knew what it was like to feel too much.

The next day I woke up and spent the entire day on the To Write Love on Her Arms website. I ordered t-shirts. I read blogs. I tried to figure out how I could be a part of this movement.

I knew I wasn’t alone in my recovery and in my struggles, but the stories I saw and the poetry I read put faces to the struggle. I related to them. I felt their pain, and I was encouraged by their hope.

To say this movement helped me would not even come close to doing it justice. I don’t have the words to thank them enough. I have found a community where I feel my most true self. I may have never met them face-to-face, but we have a common link. We understand that we are broken. We understand we need help. Most importantly we use our brokenness to help others.

That is why I am supporting this movement.This is why I champion this movement. I ask that you check them out. I ask that you help me, help others.

April 16, 2015 is the day I will be exactly 11 months sober. It also happens to be the day I am running in their annual 5K and I need your help! Any donation is helping others find the hope and help we all need. All you have to do is follow the link posted below! If you can’t donate, help spread the word!

With all of the brokenness in the world, we all need a little hope. Hope is real in this movement. I found it when I thought there was none. Help someone else find it too.

Peace

To Learn more about TWLOHA: https://twloha.com/learn/

Fundraising Page: https://www.classy.org/fundraise?fcid=623830

March 5, 2016 0

questions

Recently I was (once again) asked the question,

“How do you do it? How are you gay and a christian when there are so many out there that say you are going to hell because of the way you live your life?”

As I have said before, I grew up in the church. I spent every Sunday morning sitting with my friends, falling in love with the music and with Jesus. Every Sunday night I was in the children’s choir. I spent Wednesday nights in Awana learning Bible verses and getting patches for growing in my relationship with God. I walked down the aisle at the age of 7 and asked Jesus into my heart. I entered the youth group and went on every retreat possible, sometimes four or five a year.

In my teenage years I questioned it all and sought the answers to the meaning of life and how I could have feelings for women when all I had ever been taught was “homosexuality is a sin”. This is where I started to really evaluate my relationship with Christ.

I analyzed why I loved Him, why I behaved the way I did, and what core values I had in my life. I came up with one simple answer:

Love.

It all comes down to love in my eyes. I love Jesus and I try to love those around me. Regardless of where I have been in my life emotionally I know and whole heartedly believe in Love. I believe that we are supposed to love everyone. Through that I believe I show people I genuinely care and that is showing them Christ, because that is what He did. He didn’t come to Earth and just hang out with the “holy” people. He ate with the lepers, the tax collectors, the prostitutes, and everyone who was considered unclean. That is who I strive to be like. I want to be a person who loves those people and shows them they are worthy of being loved and tell them they matter.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciple, if you have love for one another.”

John 13:34-35

So in my eyes whether or not who I chose to spend the rest of my life with is a sin or not is not what I focus on. I focus on loving that person. I focus on showing the love of Christ in my life. I know that when I die I have Christ in my heart and will spend eternity with Him in heaven. I focus on behaving in a way that is encouraging to those around me, not in a way that will tear them down. I focus on the fact that I am precious in the eyes of God.

Now this is not the way all christians feel and that is where we get this question. Some do believe that the way I live my life is abhorrent and wrong. That is their right and I do not hold any ill will against them. There are people in my family that feel this way, but I love them no less. Does it make life hard sometimes? Yes, but life isn’t easy, I have many testaments to that outside of being gay. We roll with the lives we have been given. There is a reason for everything and in everything we do there is purpose.

“There is nothing I can do that would make God love me more, and nothing I have done that makes God love me less.”

J.D. Greear

Peace

February 15, 2016 2

I am gay.

That phrase took me 22 years to be able say. I have been hiding who I am out of fear of what my family, friends, coworkers, and employers would think. I am not hiding anymore.

I grew up going to church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. For my entire childhood I was told a woman loving another woman was “not allowed” or “wrong” according to what was taught in church and what my parents told me. I was told that marriage was between a man and a woman and that was the only option in the eyes of God.

In high school is when I first started realizing I was not really attracted to men. I had always been one of the guys and I loved being that. We hung out, played Ultimate, and talked about all their girl problems, and talked about which actress was the hottest at the moment. I was who all the other girls came to in order to get advice on how to date the guys I was hanging out with. While I dated one or two of them, it was never anything serious and we all stayed friends. It wasn’t until my senior year that I realized why none of those dating relationships, or any guys for that matter, felt right.

I knew I was attracted to women and I was terrified.

What would my mom and dad say? What would my siblings think? What would my friends think? I was a leader in my church youth group at a Southern Baptist church! I couldn’t be attracted to women! Did this mean God wasn’t going to love me anymore? So I stuffed it down and denied it.

Two secret relationships (with girls), three years, and a bout of depression later, I stopped. I stopped trying to change who I was.

I was gay and that wasn’t going to change.

The fear gripped me again. I didn’t know what to do. Up until then I had never come to terms with how this would change my life. “Coming out” had never crossed my mind. I knew there would be people who would turn their back’s on me. How could I handle that? So I stopped denying it, but I still kept it quiet.

It was not until I entered Celebrate Recovery for the major problem in my life, my addiction, that I decided if I was going to learn to be my authentic self, I had to do it in every facet of my life. I had to be brave and start telling people. So one-by-one I did.

I started with my best friends. They love me. I told my sponsor. She supports me. I start telling everyone else in my life. They accept me. Finally, I tell my mother. One of the hardest moments of my life.

We all have that one person we never want to disappoint. My mother is that person. I had already felt like my life had been a disappointment to her. I was not as good of a student as my brother or sister, I was the “rebellious” child in my teenage years, and I am a sex addict. Now I had to tell her I was gay, which in her eyes would be a hard pill to swallow and probably a disappointment. It took everything I am to utter the words, “I am gay, mom.”

When I finally did, I can’t say that she was happy. I can’t say that she wrapped her arms around me. I can’t even say she said anything positive in our first conversation. It was quite the opposite.

She asked how I could be gay and be a christian? She thought my being gay would damage my integrity and testimony. She thought that it was fine for me to have feelings for women, as long as I didn’t act on them. However, at the end, before I left the room she told me that she loved me. She said that no matter what, she would always love me.

While all of those other concerns are not great, and we may not agree on everything, I know one thing and to me that is what really matters. My mother loves me for who I am.

Not everyone in my life knows yet, but they will in time. The important thing is that I have the freedom to be who I am and I am not ashamed of it. I am gay and proud to be who I am. I look forward to finding the woman of my dreams and marrying her. I look forward to watching my kids run around in the front yard. I look forward to growing old with my love.

No one should ever have to be ashamed. Gay or straight, know that you are loved and accepted for who you are. Love who you want to love and be who you want to be. Never let anything or anyone stand in the way of your happiness.

Peace

I Will Fight For Love

Love one another and you will be happy. It is as simple and as difficult as that.

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