I Will Fight For Love

For years I hated Sushi. There was just something about putting raw fish in my mouth that was disgusting and in no way appetizing. My brother tried for so long to just get me to try it, just a California roll, it gets no more basic than that. I just wouldn’t budge. So I went off to college. Now we all know that in college you try new things (some good and some bad). Well I met a friend and she loved Sushi. She asked me to try it, so and I did. Turns out… I love Sushi.

I went home for fall break and my brother wanted to go get Sushi and I said I would tag along. He was excited, thinking I was finally going to try it. Little did he know I had become a aficionado. When I told him, he lost it. All of these years and it took one random girl I had just met to get me to try Sushi. Needless to say, I still have not lived this down.

Now this may be a random example, but you know that you have had a moment like this. Your friends and family have told you that you need to fix or change something about your life, but you don’t listen. Then you hear it from someone else, someone new, someone who surely knows what they are talking about, and you do without question.

I had this happen to me recently.

As an addict you lose who you are in your addiction. You lose who you were made to be. You lose so much more than control. You lose yourself.

Because of that, a majority of the recovery process is figuring out who you are, getting reacquainted with yourself. So I just started brainstorming, “Who do I want to be?”:

“Okay, this is my one chance to reinvent myself. This is my turn to choose who I want to be, not who my parents want me to be, not who my friends expect me to be, not who society thinks I should look like. I am free, for the first time, really free.”

Well the first thing I thought was that I should find my identity in Christ. That is so much easier said than done though. I had this thought that I could not be this really down to earth person and still be this “Awesome Christian”.

I was so far from wrong it wasn’t even funny. I had this idea that I had to be an extreme. A miserable sinner with no hope or the person who thinks they are above everyone else and better than the world just because they are a Christian.

I was reading a book called “If You Feel Too Much” by Jamie Tworkowski, the founder of To Write Love on Her Arms. Here is this person that is so down to earth and yet loves God, and you can see it in his writing. You see that he is happy with who he is and that person is a follower of Christ and a surfer who swears every once in a while. I am not writing this too praise him, simply to give the example that you can live your life authentically and be accepted for who you are. People who are real make the biggest difference.

Now I have had people telling me this for as long as I have been in recovery… My Sponsor, accountability partners, friends, but of course it didn’t set in. I don’t know what it is about hearing it from a stranger, but it really resinated with me this time.

This is something I am still figuring out. This “how to be free” thing. I don’t know, and have never really known what that feels like. I like the possibility though. I like the freedom to choose who I want to be, to choose what I want to be, and to follow my true passion without any inhibitions.

I am free. I just have to choose to love myself enough to do what truly makes me happy.

Peace