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I Will Fight For Love

Love one another and you will be happy. It is as simple and as difficult as that.

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grab a bat…

It has been a rough two weeks.

You know that feeling when you have so much tension, anger, and just intensity built up inside that you have to get it out? The way I handle this is by going to the batting cage. That is my happy place.

You stand there in anticipation of the ball coming and when it shoots out straight at you the tension builds up even more for a second and then the metal bat hits that ball and it is like that tension flies with it. The anger and anxiety flies toward the back net and it is the ultimate relief. This may sound crazy, but its the way I deal with it, and it’s where I have been for many days the past few weeks.

I haven’t written because I didn’t know what to write. My thoughts wouldn’t form in ways that would make sense. Now I am sitting on a plane headed for a family wedding and am forced to turn off the world, sit, and reflect.

The past two weeks have come with hurts, confusion, and anger.

Hurts from those who I thought would not judge no matter what I told them.

Confusion about who I am and who I want to be outside of my addiction.

Anger…

Anger…

At God mostly. I think at one point or another in our lives we ask the question, “Why Me?”. I ask this because I have trouble understanding why certain things in my life play out the way they do.

Why did I turn out the way I did?

Why is there no one in my life who truly understands?

Why is this my struggle?

Why am I the one who became the addict?

I struggle with what the plan is. If I have this great future that is limitless, like friends and family tell me, why do I have things that I think are going to hold me back?

I struggle with seeing the light sometimes. I have people in my life who are constantly encouraging me and saying they “see something in me”. They tell me I have the potential to change things and to make a difference. I don’t say this to elevate myself because honestly when they say those things I am thinking:

Why can’t I see that?

Why can’t I see what is ahead and what I have to offer?

Who is going to listen to a 23 year old addict?

So with these thoughts and not seeing the future comes the anger. Anger and self-doubt, because I don’t see how my story is going to make a difference. I don’t see how I can do any good when I am this broken…

But that’s it. I’m broken. Everyone is broken. With my brokenness there is a story. Someone else in this world is living with the pain, confusion, and depression that I was and have been living through for the past five years. The difference is that I have found some semblance of hope. I have found that I am worth something. I may be broken, but there is no such thing as a person who is not.

This is why we have community. This is why I have those people in my life who encourage me in everything I do, even on my darkest days. I turn to them in times of need and just let my feeling come out instead of bottling them up or acting out in my addiction like I used to. That’s what I have to do. I have had to find healthy ways to get my feelings out. I have to talk to people, whether that be my sponsor, my support group,  my best friend, my therapist, or even my mom sometimes. I have to have an outlet because regardless of if you are just starting or if you have been clean for 10 years, we all still struggle. We all still get anxious and angry.

So next time you do, grab a helmet and join me. Grab a set of clubs and go to the driving range. Grab some gloves and take it out on a punching bag. But also pick up your phone and tell someone how you are really feeling. Don’t bear the burden alone, we were created to help one another and love one another.

You are made for great things just like I am.

Believe it.

 

 

Peace

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I Will See You Tomorrow

I have been racking my brain about what to write today seeing as it is a very important day, World Suicide Prevention Day. I am a big fan of the To Write Love Her Arms Campaign: We’ll See You Tomorrow, and all of the people it is reaching.

I thought I could share my own story of how, when I was young, I thought of committing suicide almost every day for about a year. Then it hit me that, while my story is important and very much can help others as I write it, this day is not about me.

This day is about those who are struggling right this second. Those who are thinking there is no hope for tomorrow. Those who dread the night because that is when the thoughts are at their worst. Those who are thinking no one would even noticed if they were to leave this world. Those who think there is no way there is a light at the end of this tunnel I am in.

I am here to tell you that it does indeed get better. You may be tired of hearing that, but you have no idea how true it is. I am living proof that it does and so are members of my family. The pain of what you are going through right now may seem unbearable. The darkness surrounding you may make it seem like there is not light in the world anymore. However, you can and will make it through this unbearably dark time.

The best part is that you don’t have to do it alone. There are people going through the exact same thing you are. Believe it or not there are people who have made it through something similar to what you may be going through.

There is always hope. As long as we hold on to that hope it gives us strength to fight another day.

As hard as it is to believe sometimes there are people out there who care about you.

Who want to see you thrive in the life that has been given to you.

Who want to see what an inspiration you are going to be.

Who want to see you tomorrow.

 

 

 

Peace

 

If you are hurting in any way please reach out. There are people out there who would love to talk to you!

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1.800.273.TALK (273-8255)

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN)

1.800.656.HOPE (656-4673)

The Trevor Project

1.866.4.U.TREVOR (488-7386)

National Child Abuse Hotline

1.800.4.A.CHILD (422-4453)

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what if…?

We are often told, “It’s not what is on the outside that counts, but what’s on the inside”.

This is 100% true. Do NOT get me wrong.

A phrase I try to live by is, “What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.”

But what do you do when you don’t know how they will react when you do divulge what you have on the inside. What do you do when they don’t like what is on the inside?

You think:

What if they won’t accept me?

What if they won’t like what I have to say?

What if they don’t understand?

What if they turn away from me?

What if…

These are the thoughts that go through my head. These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. These are the thoughts that make me think I will never be accepted.

The truthful answers to most of these questions, at least in my life, are not great.

As a Christian and growing up in a very traditional Southern Baptist environment, there are preconceived notions about how people should act. Sexual immorality is at the top of the no-no list, which puts me at the top of the no-no list. Now everyone has their fair share of mistakes too, but this sexual sin is one of those that is not handled well.

It makes me feel like Hester Prynne in The Scarlet Letter. Like I have a big red A on my shirt when I’m walking around.

There are still many people in my life who do not know I am an addict. I went through a time recently where I was terrified of what people would think of me when they found out.

The simple truth is that they won’t understand. I have to be okay with that.

I have to be okay with being me in all my glorious mistakes.

I have to be okay with what they may not like about me and love them with all my heart despite that.

More importantly I have to love myself.

The problem with all of those questions up there is that they say “What if they…?”. When it comes to recovery and finding who I am, I have to be selfish in order to work on myself. I have to love me. I have to understand me. I have to accept me.

Just because someone around you right now may not accept you, that does not mean you are worthless. You and I are going to touch so many lives through the struggles we have gone through and we will use our brokenness to help other through theirs.

 

 

Peace

What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.

Brené Brown

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what’s the matter?

We are all human.

We all need the connection.

When it happens, nothing else matters.

When it happens, no one else matters.

What is the problem?

Preconceived notions.

People.

Who judge.

Who laugh.

Who look away in disgust.

Who don’t know.

Ignorance is the problem.

How can you judge if you don’t know what’s going on?

How can you laugh if there’s nothing funny?

How can you look away without seeing the real beauty?

How can you know if you don’t take the time to try and understand?

It’s not what is wrong with me.

It’s what you think of me.

And what you think of me…

Doesn’t Make Me.

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identity

For years I hated Sushi. There was just something about putting raw fish in my mouth that was disgusting and in no way appetizing. My brother tried for so long to just get me to try it, just a California roll, it gets no more basic than that. I just wouldn’t budge. So I went off to college. Now we all know that in college you try new things (some good and some bad). Well I met a friend and she loved Sushi. She asked me to try it, so and I did. Turns out… I love Sushi.

I went home for fall break and my brother wanted to go get Sushi and I said I would tag along. He was excited, thinking I was finally going to try it. Little did he know I had become a aficionado. When I told him, he lost it. All of these years and it took one random girl I had just met to get me to try Sushi. Needless to say, I still have not lived this down.

Now this may be a random example, but you know that you have had a moment like this. Your friends and family have told you that you need to fix or change something about your life, but you don’t listen. Then you hear it from someone else, someone new, someone who surely knows what they are talking about, and you do without question.

I had this happen to me recently.

As an addict you lose who you are in your addiction. You lose who you were made to be. You lose so much more than control. You lose yourself.

Because of that, a majority of the recovery process is figuring out who you are, getting reacquainted with yourself. So I just started brainstorming, “Who do I want to be?”:

“Okay, this is my one chance to reinvent myself. This is my turn to choose who I want to be, not who my parents want me to be, not who my friends expect me to be, not who society thinks I should look like. I am free, for the first time, really free.”

Well the first thing I thought was that I should find my identity in Christ. That is so much easier said than done though. I had this thought that I could not be this really down to earth person and still be this “Awesome Christian”.

I was so far from wrong it wasn’t even funny. I had this idea that I had to be an extreme. A miserable sinner with no hope or the person who thinks they are above everyone else and better than the world just because they are a Christian.

I was reading a book called “If You Feel Too Much” by Jamie Tworkowski, the founder of To Write Love on Her Arms. Here is this person that is so down to earth and yet loves God, and you can see it in his writing. You see that he is happy with who he is and that person is a follower of Christ and a surfer who swears every once in a while. I am not writing this too praise him, simply to give the example that you can live your life authentically and be accepted for who you are. People who are real make the biggest difference.

Now I have had people telling me this for as long as I have been in recovery… My Sponsor, accountability partners, friends, but of course it didn’t set in. I don’t know what it is about hearing it from a stranger, but it really resinated with me this time.

This is something I am still figuring out. This “how to be free” thing. I don’t know, and have never really known what that feels like. I like the possibility though. I like the freedom to choose who I want to be, to choose what I want to be, and to follow my true passion without any inhibitions.

I am free. I just have to choose to love myself enough to do what truly makes me happy.

 

Peace

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let me introduce myself

My name is Jessica but, no offense to my parents, I never really liked that name so everyone calls me Jess.

I am 23 years old, a Christian, a tomboy, a lover of music and people, an avid women’s soccer fan, and an addict.

A year ago I would not have been able to say that, let alone write it where people can see. However, a lot of things have changed since then. I have stopped living in this idealistic world that everything is okay. I have stepped out of denial and truly embraced who I am, broken.

I may not be the most eloquent writer, but I have things to say. This is the best way for me to do that. I want my story to mean something. I want to let people know they are not alone in whatever struggle they are going through.

We are all broken. We need each other. We need to be loved.

So that is what I fight for. I fight for people who don’t feel loved, because I would not be here without the love and support of family and friends.

I want everyone to know that they are loved.

Peace

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