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I Will Fight For Love

Love one another and you will be happy. It is as simple and as difficult as that.

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the gratitude i have

This is the time of year where we all sit, evaluate, and determine what or who in our lives we want to give thanks. I have not been good at this in the past. I have spent many Thanksgivings sad and bitter about life and my circumstances. This year is not one of those years, so I wanted to dedicate this to some very important in my life.

I want to start with my family at Celebrate Recovery. This group of people took me in at my lowest point with arms wide open. They never judge no matter what kind of crazy things I tell them. I found a sponsor who I would not trade for the world. She encourages me in everything I do and tells me when what I am doing is stupid. She pushed me to not be a procrastinator and to actually do what I am told. She tells me she loves me even when I feel like I have disappointed her. Most important of all, she is there. She’s there when I call, text, or just show up at her house because I can’t find a meeting. Sherri you have been the best ever since the night I walked through the door.

Ash and Missy. The two of you are the big sisters I never had and the best a kid can ask for. For years you have been there for me. You took me into your families as one of your own and loved me through some pretty tough times. Ash, there are no words to thank you enough for the countless meals, for letting me crash on your couch, and for letting me show up at your house crying and you just sit there and let me. Missy, you understand parts of my life that not many others do. You let me sit across the table form you and vent until my voice get so high pitched with frustration that you probably can’t understand what I am saying. No matter what I come to the two of you with you don’t walk away or tell me to hit the road. You two exemplify what it means to love, and for the I could not be more great full.

Now my brother. We have been together for a solid 23 years now. I would like to say we have liked each other for the majority of those. We have fought, we have blamed stuff on each other, and we are not a whole lot alike. There are a lot of siblings that go through life saying that they love each other because there “have to”, they are family after all. I can say that is not true for us. I can genuinely say, I love you. Not because I have to, but because I choose to. I have told you my darkest secrets and you love me. I told you I was an addict and you said, “Man I feel like we need a shot or something!” I have told you my crazy dreams and you support me in the all. You may be a lot like mom and I a lot like dad, but I think we are better for it. I cannot think of a better big brother I would rather have by my side.

Lastly. My mother. I struggle with the words to write to you, not because I lack them, but because I feel like they won’t do you justice. You and I express ourselves in different ways. I am not the best at telling you how I feel, so I am going to try my best. I have walked through my life seeing you live out what it is to truly be a Godly woman. I have gone through periods of not talking to you and not listening to what you have to say (although it was almost always what I needed to hear).There have been times where I thought I couldn’t tell you things because I didn’t want to add another disappointment to your list. All of these times I thought I could tell you something that would make you love me less, but I could not have been more wrong. You show me everyday the true definition of unconditional love. You show me that is okay to be who am and you love me through all of it. There is no one in the world I could be more proud of to call my mom.

The  love and admirationI have for these people is far beyond anything I can write. I am proud to call them my family.

Peace

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wonder

I was at a conference recently, and I honestly went for two reasons:

  1. My favorite speaker, Brené Brown, was going to be there.
  2. I was getting class credit for going, which you just cant pass up!

The conference was called Catalyst and was essentially a three day leadership conference. I had heard about it but really didn’t know what to expect.

I walk up into a group of roughly 8,000 people waiting for the madness to ensue and to get into the arena. As I wait for a my friends to arrive I notice there are tall white boxes spread around the courtyard. The word “Wonder” is stenciled on the outside. I look around to see some folks playing conrhole. Then I see tables full of adults tediously picking out the colors they wish to use to fill in the the shapes on the coloring book pages in front of them. I turn to my right to see two grown men twirling sticks with ropes attached, the rope’s middle filled with soapy water to create one of the largest bubbles I have ever seen. Lastly I turn to see one of my greatest loves, a grassy area filled with hammocks.

This place was astounding. I whole heartedly believe heaven will look something like this.

My friends arrive and we finally make it inside to see big screens lit up with the theme of the conference this year: Awakening the Wonder. It clicked.

Over the next three days I would come to see that I had lost my simple childlike wonder.

I wanted it back.

In the past few months I have found myself so focused on maintaining my recovery that I was slowly losing my creativity, my writing, and my passions in life. I was trying to simply stay inside the rules I had set for myself just so I could add another day to my sobriety. There was just something not right about it. I am aware that everyone recovers differently and my story is not going to read like other recovering addicts, but the way I was handling did not feel right to me.

The point of recovery is not to just have a set of rules to check off at the end of the day. Yes, those rules are important and vital to the recovery process, but they are not the end game. The end gam his to discover yourself. Once you have stepped out of the denial that has held you captive for so long you get a clean slat essentially. A clean slate to figure out who you are, who you want to be, and rediscover the wonder that was in you at such a young age. So needless to say this three day wonder awakening could not have come at a better time.

So back to the conference. Durning the lunch and dinner break we walked around to the tall white boxes to see what wonder they held. Box one had a pile of Legos and the walls of the box were the platforms so that you could build from any angle!

After visiting a few more we came across one that you could get inside. I opened the door. The walls were black, and just a bench was inside. Looking at each other with pretty confusing looks I was the brave one to go in first. With one of those mischievous smiles my friend Wazzy shut the door behind me.

It was dark.

They must have put soundproofing material in the walls because the outside was but a dull roar with all of the commotion.

Then I hear the point of this box.

Thump, thump. Thump, thump. Thump, thump.

It is a heart beat.

I am sitting in a dark box with ruckus going on outside and all I hear is a heart.

Silence with a heart beat.

For the first time in a while I was quiet. My mind was still. There was peace in my life.

It couldn’t have been longer than thirty seconds, but it’s all I needed. I needed to do nothing and sit. Sit and be present with myself and no one else. Not with my recovery, not with my schooling, not with the worries of the future, but with me myself and I.

Wazzy decided to ruin my moment and open the door, wondering what was so special about the box. They all try it and we go on about our day, but that moment stuck with me. It reminded me that it is okay to slow down and take a breath, in fact it is necessary.

The following days were nothing short of inspirational. The speakers reminded us to take time to ourselves and rediscover what inspired us in the first place and how we can use our inspiration and wonder to inspire those around us.I have to remember why I am here and what got me here.

My story may not be beautiful by the world’s standards. But it is beautiful. Broken and beautiful, just like others around me. That is what has become my passion. I want the wonder of hope and grace to be seen by others, and if I can be a vessel for that, then I’d say I am fulfilling my purpose.

Peace

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love

Yesterday I go my first tattoo and I could not be more stoked.

After long deliberation and having friends write it different ways for me, I picked the writting I liked the most and just bit the bullet.

Some people may say that getting “Love” tattooed on your arm is cliché or so “basic”. Well here is why I chose to write love on my arm.

Love is more than an emotion. It is more than telling someone you love them before leaving or hanging up the phone.

Love is and action and a choice.

Love is the foundation of everything that I believe in.

I have lived the majority of my 23 years believing that I was not worthy of love and that I had no love to offer. I could only offer a sarcastic comment in order to cover up my insecurities. I grew up not understanding what it really meant to love. My father always provided for the family financially and otherwise, but was emotionally distant. My mom tried to over-compensate by being a people pleaser and make us all happy, but that isn’t the definition of love either.

With this upbringing it was very easy to develop a hardened heart, and that is exactly what happened.  Through my teenage years I rebelled like most kids and stopped talking to my parents and just gave the cool kid head nod saying “What’s up” when I walked through the door on my way to my room. With that rebellion also came a bout of depression that led to thoughts of suicide and ultimately a sex addiction. I came out of that depression by the grace of God and those around me and am still working on the addiction part, but taking it one day at a time in my recovery.

For the first time in my life, at the age of 18 I realized what it was to be loved.

I had a friend I thought I was going to loose. I thought, like so many time before, I had messed up beyond repair, and they would just walk out on me. But she didn’t.

It clicked. People had been loving me all along, I just didn’t see it because I was too busy trying to shut them out. Once I started letting people into my story, my whole world changed. I started being honest with myself and a handful of people around me. Slowly but surely I started letting people into my life. I let them love me and show me they loved me and I did my best to do so in return.

Over the past five years I have made it my mission to show love in any possible way to those around me. Simply because if there is one thing I have learned it is this:

I was created for a purpose. The vast majority of that purpose is to love and be loved by those around me.

To value people.

To show them they are important.

To show them they have a story that is meant to be lived out.

To live my life authentically so that I can be living proof to others that it does get better.

To love my family.

To love my friends.

To love strangers I meet in the Starbucks line.

To simply be myself and love who I am.

Don’t get me wrong, I have stumbled a lot along the way. I am still stumbling today. I am a much healthier me though. I am recovering day by day. The biggest change in me is that I choose to live with love in my heart and in my actions. I still throw in the occasional sarcastic comment here and there, but it’s not all I do now. I choose to live love and speak love.

This is why love is written on my arm.

Side Note: I grew up in Germany and hold that beautiful place near to my heart, which is why the language I chose is German.

Peace

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everything (pt.2)

clean

but it’s never that easy

my body craves what it misses

constantly tense

constantly gripped with fear

fear of slipping

fear of not being strong enough

fear of no control

everyday is a battle

i long for the night when i lay down my head and my brain can stop

stop thinking of temptation

stop thinking of the past

stop my imagination from creating things i know won’t last

but then there are moments

these simple moments

this tiny glimpse of truth

brief

but that’s all i need

the truth

the truth that set me free

one cross that’s all it took

one Man who took it all

one love that stands tall

for the broken

for the oppressed

for the eighty year old

and for the child who is fatherless

He stopped the lies that say

i’m not good enough

i can do this on my own

i don’t need God

i can fight this alone

but the shame consumes me still

until

i remember His last breath

“It Is Finished”

and with that He paid my debt

so how can i believe the lies

that i’m not good enough

that i have to be afraid to live

i wasn’t created to fear life

but to embrace the hope

that one day i might

tear down the walls and choose to fight

fight with the Man who arrested my death

to bring the hope to those who are just like me

the scarred, the weary, the broken and ashamed

to bring the good news

that Jesus changed…

Everything.

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everything (pt. 1)

darkness surrounds me

i’m in a hole

i can’t see the light, i can’t feel the warmth

there’s nothing but shadows consuming my thoughts

when can i get it next?

when will it be enough?

i look down, barely able to see my hands shaking

will it ever be enough?

i sit. my body aches. my mind is blank.

when did it get this bad?

when did i get this bad?

i sit. my heart races. my mind runs from thoughts i have not faced.

how did i get here?

how could i be so selfish?

look at me now:

no family

no friends

no life

nothing but shadows that lurk, waiting for me to try and fight

those are my only friends

those are my only thoughts

that is what consumes me

i look up and cry out in a kind of fury that only shadows can light

why me?

why now?

where did you go?

why did you leave me alone?

i’m shaking

cold

empty

and angry

so angry

fire runs through my body and i jump up

arms out wide, i scream

my veins raised, my blood boiling in rage

my throat tightens as the last bit of breath leaves me

i collapse

in tears

tears that have been there for years but have never reached the surface

i’m done

done fighting

done trying to be what i’m not

done lying

done waiting to get caught.

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grab a bat…

It has been a rough two weeks.

You know that feeling when you have so much tension, anger, and just intensity built up inside that you have to get it out? The way I handle this is by going to the batting cage. That is my happy place.

You stand there in anticipation of the ball coming and when it shoots out straight at you the tension builds up even more for a second and then the metal bat hits that ball and it is like that tension flies with it. The anger and anxiety flies toward the back net and it is the ultimate relief. This may sound crazy, but its the way I deal with it, and it’s where I have been for many days the past few weeks.

I haven’t written because I didn’t know what to write. My thoughts wouldn’t form in ways that would make sense. Now I am sitting on a plane headed for a family wedding and am forced to turn off the world, sit, and reflect.

The past two weeks have come with hurts, confusion, and anger.

Hurts from those who I thought would not judge no matter what I told them.

Confusion about who I am and who I want to be outside of my addiction.

Anger…

Anger…

At God mostly. I think at one point or another in our lives we ask the question, “Why Me?”. I ask this because I have trouble understanding why certain things in my life play out the way they do.

Why did I turn out the way I did?

Why is there no one in my life who truly understands?

Why is this my struggle?

Why am I the one who became the addict?

I struggle with what the plan is. If I have this great future that is limitless, like friends and family tell me, why do I have things that I think are going to hold me back?

I struggle with seeing the light sometimes. I have people in my life who are constantly encouraging me and saying they “see something in me”. They tell me I have the potential to change things and to make a difference. I don’t say this to elevate myself because honestly when they say those things I am thinking:

Why can’t I see that?

Why can’t I see what is ahead and what I have to offer?

Who is going to listen to a 23 year old addict?

So with these thoughts and not seeing the future comes the anger. Anger and self-doubt, because I don’t see how my story is going to make a difference. I don’t see how I can do any good when I am this broken…

But that’s it. I’m broken. Everyone is broken. With my brokenness there is a story. Someone else in this world is living with the pain, confusion, and depression that I was and have been living through for the past five years. The difference is that I have found some semblance of hope. I have found that I am worth something. I may be broken, but there is no such thing as a person who is not.

This is why we have community. This is why I have those people in my life who encourage me in everything I do, even on my darkest days. I turn to them in times of need and just let my feeling come out instead of bottling them up or acting out in my addiction like I used to. That’s what I have to do. I have had to find healthy ways to get my feelings out. I have to talk to people, whether that be my sponsor, my support group,  my best friend, my therapist, or even my mom sometimes. I have to have an outlet because regardless of if you are just starting or if you have been clean for 10 years, we all still struggle. We all still get anxious and angry.

So next time you do, grab a helmet and join me. Grab a set of clubs and go to the driving range. Grab some gloves and take it out on a punching bag. But also pick up your phone and tell someone how you are really feeling. Don’t bear the burden alone, we were created to help one another and love one another.

You are made for great things just like I am.

Believe it.

 

 

Peace

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I Will See You Tomorrow

I have been racking my brain about what to write today seeing as it is a very important day, World Suicide Prevention Day. I am a big fan of the To Write Love Her Arms Campaign: We’ll See You Tomorrow, and all of the people it is reaching.

I thought I could share my own story of how, when I was young, I thought of committing suicide almost every day for about a year. Then it hit me that, while my story is important and very much can help others as I write it, this day is not about me.

This day is about those who are struggling right this second. Those who are thinking there is no hope for tomorrow. Those who dread the night because that is when the thoughts are at their worst. Those who are thinking no one would even noticed if they were to leave this world. Those who think there is no way there is a light at the end of this tunnel I am in.

I am here to tell you that it does indeed get better. You may be tired of hearing that, but you have no idea how true it is. I am living proof that it does and so are members of my family. The pain of what you are going through right now may seem unbearable. The darkness surrounding you may make it seem like there is not light in the world anymore. However, you can and will make it through this unbearably dark time.

The best part is that you don’t have to do it alone. There are people going through the exact same thing you are. Believe it or not there are people who have made it through something similar to what you may be going through.

There is always hope. As long as we hold on to that hope it gives us strength to fight another day.

As hard as it is to believe sometimes there are people out there who care about you.

Who want to see you thrive in the life that has been given to you.

Who want to see what an inspiration you are going to be.

Who want to see you tomorrow.

 

 

 

Peace

 

If you are hurting in any way please reach out. There are people out there who would love to talk to you!

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1.800.273.TALK (273-8255)

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN)

1.800.656.HOPE (656-4673)

The Trevor Project

1.866.4.U.TREVOR (488-7386)

National Child Abuse Hotline

1.800.4.A.CHILD (422-4453)

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what if…?

We are often told, “It’s not what is on the outside that counts, but what’s on the inside”.

This is 100% true. Do NOT get me wrong.

A phrase I try to live by is, “What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.”

But what do you do when you don’t know how they will react when you do divulge what you have on the inside. What do you do when they don’t like what is on the inside?

You think:

What if they won’t accept me?

What if they won’t like what I have to say?

What if they don’t understand?

What if they turn away from me?

What if…

These are the thoughts that go through my head. These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. These are the thoughts that make me think I will never be accepted.

The truthful answers to most of these questions, at least in my life, are not great.

As a Christian and growing up in a very traditional Southern Baptist environment, there are preconceived notions about how people should act. Sexual immorality is at the top of the no-no list, which puts me at the top of the no-no list. Now everyone has their fair share of mistakes too, but this sexual sin is one of those that is not handled well.

It makes me feel like Hester Prynne in The Scarlet Letter. Like I have a big red A on my shirt when I’m walking around.

There are still many people in my life who do not know I am an addict. I went through a time recently where I was terrified of what people would think of me when they found out.

The simple truth is that they won’t understand. I have to be okay with that.

I have to be okay with being me in all my glorious mistakes.

I have to be okay with what they may not like about me and love them with all my heart despite that.

More importantly I have to love myself.

The problem with all of those questions up there is that they say “What if they…?”. When it comes to recovery and finding who I am, I have to be selfish in order to work on myself. I have to love me. I have to understand me. I have to accept me.

Just because someone around you right now may not accept you, that does not mean you are worthless. You and I are going to touch so many lives through the struggles we have gone through and we will use our brokenness to help other through theirs.

 

 

Peace

What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.

Brené Brown

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live

Recently, in the the last year or so, I have become a person who likes to do things. Now I am not talking just about social things with friends or plans for the weekend. I am talking about impulsive things that I never in my life thought I would be doing.

When I was growing up I was not necessarily a sheltered child. I grew up with a military dad, an older brother, and a mom who went along with everything. With all the testosterone in the house it was natural that I grew up to be a tomboy. With that I had many guy friends who I would play all kinds of sports with, and do all the crazy stuff boys do when they were young (I just happened to be the girl doing all of that with them). I was a rambunctious child who like to get dirty, have fun, and stay out ’till the sun went down. We were free kids who just loved having fun.

Somewhere in my years as a middle/high schooler I lost that childlike freedom, like most of us do. I gained and lost many relationships that I thought were important, and of course the world ended when one of them did. The point is, I started living in my comfort zone. This continued until I was in college because it was a state of being that I had grown accustomed to, even riding roller coasters was completely out of the question.

About a two years ago everything changed. A relationship that lasted way longer than it should have, ended. I was devastated. I had to do some serious soul searching because I had put my identity in this other person. Well finally one year later I began to find myself again. I found that person I had let go of so long ago. I had recovered that childlike sense of the world. The world was without boundaries and without anything or anyone in my way. The only difference being, I am older and I know how to be responsible and behave properly when I need to…most of the time. I have found there is no point to put off the things that are on my bucket list (which I recommend you make if you haven’t already, I keep mine in my wallet). There is way too much out there to see and experience, and I would like to get my hands on as much of it as I can!

I want to live like there is no tomorrow and never regret anything I do, because it all has a purpose.

I want to tear down the walls and I want to live my life and make it something actually worth living.

In the past year I have gone skydiving, ridden more roller coasters than I can count, and so many other things that I will never regret.

I am choosing to live.

I hope you can find that childlike sense of the world again. Go back to that feeling of wanting to do anything and everything. Try new things, travel, go skydiving, ride the highest roller coaster you can find! No more “what if…” moments, they are too many as is.

You have been given this precious gift of life. Live it and you’ll never regret that you did!

Peace

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