darkness surrounds me

i’m in a hole

i can’t see the light, i can’t feel the warmth

there’s nothing but shadows consuming my thoughts

when can i get it next?

when will it be enough?

i look down, barely able to see my hands shaking

will it ever be enough?

i sit. my body aches. my mind is blank.

when did it get this bad?

when did i get this bad?

i sit. my heart races. my mind runs from thoughts i have not faced.

how did i get here?

how could i be so selfish?

look at me now:

no family

no friends

no life

nothing but shadows that lurk, waiting for me to try and fight

those are my only friends

those are my only thoughts

that is what consumes me

i look up and cry out in a kind of fury that only shadows can light

why me?

why now?

where did you go?

why did you leave me alone?

i’m shaking

cold

empty

and angry

so angry

fire runs through my body and i jump up

arms out wide, i scream

my veins raised, my blood boiling in rage

my throat tightens as the last bit of breath leaves me

i collapse

in tears

tears that have been there for years but have never reached the surface

i’m done

done fighting

done trying to be what i’m not

done lying

done waiting to get caught.